You know that feeling when you have a bad day or a bad week and you think “Wow! It really can’t get any worse.” Well trust me it can….many times in my life I have thought I hit rock bottom, but recently I really did…
You see, I really am just a small town girl. I am from the middle of farm country and grew up having family dinners every Sunday at my Grandparent’s house. I went to college 20 minutes from where I grew up. The only life I knew was that small little piece of the world, where everyone knows everyone and we all looked out for each other.
Of course we all gossiped about each other too, so I spent the bulk of my teenage years looking for an escape, hoping for greener pastures. At 25 I thought I’d found it when I moved 1,100 miles away for a job. I found the love of my life or so I thought, got married and had three kids.
Then one night came that dreaded phone call…at 3 a.m. After a brief conversation with my Mom, my husband hung up the phone, looked at me and said “I don’t know how to say this, but your Dad died.” My Dad, 57 years old, retired, loving life and in great health was dead. I hadn’t seen him for 3 months and I didn’t get to say goodbye…rock bottom!
Fast forward 3 years, my marriage was miserable, I wanted to go home and my husband wouldn’t consider it. I was drowning in despair, needing the support of my family while raising my 3 boys. I wanted out and I didn’t know how to do it – 1,100 miles away from home. In an effort to reclaim a small portion of life for myself, I cheated and got caught…rock bottom!
I have spent the last 4 years as a single Mom, struggling to make ends meet with 3 small children and no family around to provide any support. I play the “which bill do I need to pay a little on this month to make certain nothing gets shut off” game. I have been on every type of public assistance until finally, last year I finally went to see a lawyer to find out if there was any chance I could move back to my small town and take my children with me. I was told that if it was my ex-husband sitting across the table, the lawyer would tell him that winning and keeping us in NH is a slam dunk…rock bottom!
Granted I don’t have cancer, I have a roof over my head and a car to drive and I finally even found full-time employment after 10 years as a stay-at-home Mom. I keep a positive attitude for the most part, but then…
A month ago, I went out for dinner and a couple of drinks at my favorite little pub. I was by myself, because even after 15 years, I don’t have a lot of friends. On the way home it was misty & foggy, so I had on my brights. When I failed to dim my brights within 150 feet of the police car coming towards me, he swung around and flipped on his lights. I ended up at the police station being charged with a DWI. (YES, you read that correctly, I didn’t swerve, crash or kill anyone. I got pulled over for failing to dim my brights! Shit luck is my middle name!)
Out on that road, prior to being put in the back of the cruiser, Mr. Nicety Nice Officer informed me that my car would be towed. At that point I started crying because I couldn’t afford to have my car towed. He said I could call someone to come and get my car and pick me up at the station. There I sat at midnight on a Thursday, 1,100 miles from home and who did I call first? Who did I have to rely when I was at one of the lowest points of my life…my EX husband…ROCK FUCKING BOTTOM!
I’m 40 years old. I’ve lived in the same place for 15 years and when push comes to shove, the only person I have to call to bail me out of a shit-ton of trouble is my ex husband. Now here I sit a month later, relying on him for support because in order to get the DWI dropped to reckless driving and keep it off my record, I had to agree to have my driver’s license suspended for 8 months. Single Mom, no family, no car for 8 months and my only guaranteed means of support, my Ex husband and his new wife…THAT is my rock bottom!
The funny thing about rock bottom is that the only person who can help you when you hit is you. I have some really tough choices to make because financially I cannot make ends meet with the added expenses that will come with not being able to drive. Everyone has opinions, but when you hit that pivotal point in your life, the strength to overcome is within you. You simply have to find it and make the choices that are best for you and the people you love the most, regardless of what judgments may follow.
Since I believe that the universe has a sick sense of humor, I will not say that things can’t get worse. But I think I have found the absolute depths of despair – rock bottom – and I’m ready to tackle the tough choices. I’m to ready start skipping and tripping along through life again!
“You can seek the advice of others, surround yourself with trusted advisors. But in the end, the decision is always yours and yours alone. And when it’s time to act and you’re all alone with your back against the wall, the only voice that matters is the one in your head. The one telling you what you already knew. The one that’s almost always right. ” ~Grey’s Anatomy