Only For a Year

Fifteen years ago when I made the decision to move to New Hampshire there were a few reasons:

  • I had ended a two year on again-off again relationship and needed distance.
  • I was being offered a job with a boss for whom I enjoyed working and from whom I still had a lot to learn.
  • I had always dreamed of leaving that “shitty little town” (as I liked to call my hometown) in search of something different.
  • Most importantly though I told myself that I should give it a try because it was “only for a year”.

Head out east, have some fun, gain new life experiences…after all it was “only for a year”.

Dad unloaded my best friend and I into our first apartment in New Hampshire, hugged us both goodbye and his parting words were “make it work because I won’t be back to get your shit for at least a year.”

It was scary, it was lonely, but we could do this…after it was “only for a year”.

Today I was talking to a co-worker who is 25 (the same age as me when I moved to NH). He is currently looking for jobs elsewhere in the U.S. While we were talking about his job search he commented that he “just wants to get out of here”.

All of the sudden, that was me, fifteen years ago…just wanting to get out.

It suddenly hit me that you always need to think of your decision as something long term. Before “just wanting to get out”, think long and hard about what it is that your heart desires most. Because sometimes you seek greener pastures only to find that those you desire most were in your own backyard.

And there is always the possibility that “only for a year” will turn into fifteen of them.

I had to wonder: if I had thought of moving to New Hampshire as a life-long decision versus “only for a year”, would I have made that choice to leave?

If I had known back then that “only for a year” could so easily turn into never being able to get back to the place I love, would I have simply stayed?

If I could’ve really searched my heart to find that being surrounded by family and friends is really the one thing I wanted most, would I have gone looking for greener pastures?

Obviously, I can never answer those questions. What I can do is think about how the “only for a year” mindset can have a powerful effect on any decision. I started to think of it in terms of my current situation…

I am leaving my current life which isn’t exactly a bed of roses right now and moving back home to the place where I so desperately want to be “only for a year”

…but what if it isn’t?

What if “only for a year” once again turns into fifteen?

What if circumstances turn “only for a year” into the rest of my kids’ childhood?

Can I handle this decision if I think of it as a life long proposition versus “only for a year”?

This morning I was certain that I was making the best choice. One conversation that triggered me to think in different terms is causing me to question that choice.

Experience is the best teacher and knowing that “only for a year” can very easily turn into more will hopefully help to ensure that I will indeed return to New Hampshire after a year and enjoy watching my boys grow up. I can only remind myself of this one thing daily: “only for a year” this time really means “only for a year” because I have three boys who love me unconditionally that are only accepting my decision because it’s “only for a year”.

Eventually I will make it home to stay. Eventually my address will match my heart. But this trip folks, well this one really is “only for a year”.

2 thoughts on “Only For a Year

  1. Missy, the one thing you and I have in common is New Hampshire and Tuscola. When Mike moved here 12 years ago, I thought he would hate it. There was nothing here I could offer him like what I saw in New Hampshire… except for me. It is BEAUTIFUL out there. I LOVED it. But I had a son in jr. high, and a mother who had been previously ill. My moving out there was not an option then. I always thought when Josh was out of the house, and my mom had passed, he would want to move back east some day and I wouldnt be able to say no, but Mike too loves this little town.

    The one thing I think about when you make life decisions and move away is that you are making them for your children too. More than likely that is where they will stay and make their home. Then when one of those children leaves the nest and takes off for another part of the country, then another family is planted somewhere else.

    I made Josh pinky promise he wouldnt move more than 30 miles away. 😉 He only moved a few blocks. I have a grandson on the way, and I thank God they are close. You do what you have to do for your children. When you are young, you dont think about “hometown.” My brother and I were both born in California and then “hometown” called our parents back to this area. Its not a bit unusual. Sometimes water tower to water tower never looks so good,

    Hang in there sweety, you do what you can for your kids.


    • I guess I didn’t realize the connection.

      I think we all make plans, but honestly I may get back to Tuscola and never be able to leave. I may have to create a new sense of “normal” with my kids because staying in Tuscola means staying sane.

      I may get back to Tuscola and realize that 15 years of my adult life spent in NH have shaped me ways that make Tuscola no longer my “home”.

      I have learned that the universe will always place before us the path we are intended to travel. For so long I have been angry that I could not move home and that the universe seemed content holding me in this place where I don’t belong. I honestly believe that my unfortunate incident was the universe l;aying the path before me…go home, get your head on straight…that’s what it’s telling me. If I believe that, then I also have to believe that during my time home I will find my next path. The universe will guide my heart and let me know which place I should call the “rest of my life” home.

      Thank you for you comments! It means a lot.

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