I haven’t felt much like writing lately. Hell, I haven’t felt like doing much of anything. I go onto one social media site and read message after message of encouragement for a family whose son is fighting cancer. I go onto another social media site and read inspirational posts about how you can’t move forward until you stop looking back, everything happens in time and give your life over to some mythical being.
I can’t stand either site these days. Every time I think about that poor little boy fighting cancer, I think “at least his parents get to hold him everyday” and I’m jealous because I haven’t seen my kids in 8 weeks. How horrible of a person can I be that I’m jealous of parents who are dealing with childhood cancer?
I go on the other site and I want to punch people in the face because their lives are “perfect” and they actually believe that believing is the key to happiness.
I made a mistake…an error in judgement…the same error that I’m guessing everyone reading this post had made. I’m paying the price every.single.day.
Every day that I wake up without my kids…I pay the price.
Every day that I walk to work…I pay the price.
I can’t look for a better job because I have no means to get myself there. I can’t visit my kids but I have a crappy job and I can’t afford plane tickets. I can’t get a better job to afford plane tickets because I can’t drive….vicious circle.
EVERY.SINGLE.DAY that I wake up, I’m forced to relive the one thing I would most like to forget. Every day is a reminder that I am unable to move forward until I pay the price for my past.
So forgive me please if I tell you to take your “everything happens for a reason”… “focus on the good” …”have faith” and shove them up your ass.
And please feel free to counter with “stop being a hateful bitch”. Because right now, I am every bit of hateful bitch and then some.
Frankly, right now I’m clinging to two types of people…those that make me laugh and those that know when to be silent.
A good friend knows when to save you from yourself or when to let you finish what you started. ~ @Smiilze
My good friends, and I mean the ones who know me best, are already aware that I can move mountains when I so choose. They are also aware that I will move those mountains when I’m ready and there is nothing they can do to rush that process.
My good friends send me texts or messages just to check in and they know by the brevity of my answers when not to push.
My good friends will still be there when my prison sentence is over regardless of the hell I’ll go through living it out.
Because believe me, I am in hell right now. Maybe other people are living a worse hell than I am, but it doesn’t lessen the severity of my own personal hell.
Every time I open my eyes I am reminded of what I did and where I am in my life. My prison sentence will finally be over in March and I will have all of this to remember so that I never again make the choice I made that night.
Until then, it’s possible that my funk will persist and I will continue on the negative train. I’m like the smoker that says he wants to quit or the overweight person who says she wants to get healthy, I know that my attitude is neither healthy nor helpful right now but there isn’t a damn thing I want to do about it.
I really don’t need your inspirational messages on my posts. I don’t need your feeble attempts to cheer me up. What I need is the friend who is willing to stand by me and let me figure it out for myself. Let me piss and moan one minute and laugh the next. Let me finish what I started.
Like the smoker or the overweight individual, eventually I will decide that this is not who I want to be. If you’ve paid attention, if you listened, if you’ve observed…if you KNOW me, then you will know that my ability to pull myself out of the depths knows no bounds…and it may take the next four months but I will pull myself up out of the depths, dust myself off and laugh at life once again.
And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.
You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over.
But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in