To my boys

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Dear Jake, Zachary and Colton,

I’m sitting at home on a Friday night watching Disney’s Brave and missing you. Missing you is nothing new, I do it every day. I miss you so much it hurts. I wish things could be different. I wish that I could find my way back to you….

I doubt that you can understand. You may often ask yourselves why. Why did I leave? Why didn’t I come back when I got my license back? Why don’t I love you enough to be with you?

Love is a precious gift, someday you’ll truly understand. In order to love others and I mean really love others, you first have to love yourself. You have to accept and love all the things that make you unique, even the parts that others might tell you are bad or wrong.

I hadn’t loved myself in a very long time when I left New Hampshire. As a result, I wasn’t the best Mama that I could be. Moving to Illinois had more to do with healing myself and making myself whole again than losing my license. I needed to accept my mistakes and the things about myself that I don’t always like…I needed to find a way to love me.

I’ve always been strong and independent. My strength came from pushing aside hurt and pain and fear and simply moving forward. And while that kind of strength is good and necessary sometimes, there are also times when it’s good to fall apart. It’s okay to admit that you can’t keep going and that you need time to cry, time to grieve, times to hurt and then time to heal.

I’m finally getting my time to let all of the hurt in. In New Hampshire, I was far too busy holding our lives together to take the time I needed to fall apart. Being in Illinois has allowed me to begin the process of healing me and loving me…all the things about me.

You may not ever understand. My hope is that whatever damage I’ve caused is not permanent and that you boys will be stronger because of what I’ve put us all through. It’s important that you know how much I miss you and how much I love you. You may not believe it now, but someday I hope you can understand. I love you with all of my heart. And it’s because I love you that I needed to find a way to love myself. You boys are my strength. You are the reason that I want to be better. You are the reason that I have to stay in Illinois for a little while longer.

When I finally come back to New Hampshire, it will be for all of the right reasons and I’ll be able to enjoy being there again. In the meantime, no matter how long we go between visits, always know this:

I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my babies you’ll be.

Love,
Mama

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