Give me back my walls…maybe

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I’m not an easy person to love. I protect my heart with a fierceness that knows no bounds since my divorce. I’m so afraid of losing the best parts of me again to another person that I have made an art of building walls to keep people out.

… but not long ago I found love and I allowed him to love me back…and now it’s gone and I’m not sure how to move on. Because of him I stopped protecting my heart. I opened it up, broke down the walls and allowed myself to feel.

But now he’s gone…
And I don’t know who I am without my walls…

In a text conversation with someone whom I pushed away, he said “He probably doesn’t realize what he’s done by getting you to fall in love. That’s no small feat.” To which I replied,  “It didn’t happen overnight.” He responded, “Well I’m impressed. Those walls aren’t easy to break down.

My friend is right. They aren’t. I put up reinforced walls of concrete and steel triple wrapped with a mountain of “I can do this myself” and an ocean of “I’m better off alone”.

…but then I met him. He didn’t come into my life with a sword looking to rescue me from myself. He didn’t even come in with any intentions of finding my heart. It was supposed to be “sex with no strings”.

But one night, one magical, breathtaking night, he kissed me. The kind of kiss that takes your breath away. The kind of kiss that reaches into the depths of your soul and awakens parts of your heart that you never knew existed. The kind of kiss that breaks down those walls and leaves you standing in the midst of emotions you didn’t know you could feel. The kind of kiss that makes you want to hold onto him and never let go.

But I had to let go and it’s been months and I think I want my walls back.

It was easier when I didn’t feel. When you don’t feel, you can’t hurt. And I’ve hurt for so long now. It’s not an all day every day hurt anymore. It comes in waves. Some days it’s only when I wake up, like the waves at low tide gently kissing the shore – small memories of how wonderful our time together was. Other times it hits like a tusnami, unexpected and sweeping me away in an powerful surge of emotion.

The hurting is not so much fun. If only I’d kept my head in the game and not let down those walls around my heart…

But then I would’ve missed the feeling and the feeling part was so amazing. The feeling filled up my heart and overwhelmed my soul. I don’t know if it had simply been so long since I’d felt the touch of a soulmate or if maybe I’d never really known one like that, but the feeling was something that will always stay in my heart.

So I guess that maybe life is better without the walls. Maybe I’m still struggling to find my way again without him in my life, but the pain is worth it because I knew a love that convinced me to stop protecting myself, to recognize that while being alone is good and healthy, life is really so much better when you allow people into your heart.

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