I’ve always thought that I believe in soul mates. Not in the sense that there is one perfect person for each of us, rather that there are people that will reach for our hands and in doing so, touch our souls. It’s rare. It’s precious. In 41 years, I had known two prior to you.
The first is still the one person I turn to when life becomes unbearable. She and I have a bond that has often been tested, but never broken. The second I met by chance. He wasn’t my lover. He was my friend. Again a person I turned to and I mourn his death daily.
Reading the above picture caused my heart to catch in my throat. Because it is describing a soul mate. It is describing how I feel about you.
Standing in my driveway, a few weeks after we tried the first time to say goodbye, wasn’t the first time I felt like there were two sides to me when I am with you, but it was so noticeable because the definition of our relationship had changed.
I wanted so badly to touch you, even just my fingertips on your arm. But I wasn’t allowed…you were no longer mine. I’d spent two weeks feeling an absolute emotional destruction. But somehow standing there in the dark, your truck running in the alley, I was completely at peace. In that moment with you, nothing mattered beyond your presence in my life, right then, right there, you standing beside me was enough. I walked into my house that night with a calmness that I had forgotten I could feel.
It was always like that, though, with you. As much as I always wanted to be close to you, to touch you, all I ever needed was to be in the same room as you to feel a contentment like I’d never known. I could never describe it, so I just told you that you are my happy place.
I stopped believing in fairy tales a long time ago. I believe in myself and I am whole without having anyone in my life. I’ve never needed anyone and I don’t need you. I want you. I crave you in the most primitive of ways. You used to tell me that even in the midst of our most intimate moments, you felt like you needed to be closer to me. I felt the same way. It was almost as if the deepest parts of our souls knew that we could never really be together. Yet the yearning wouldn’t allow us to stop trying.
I can’t imagine a time when the sound of your voice saying my name won’t bring complete peace to my heart. I can’t imagine that I’ll run into you and not want to lay my hand on the side of your face and look into your eyes, desperately seeking to see in them the reflection of my soul. I can’t imagine a time when you will not be the one who simultaneously lights the fire within and brings the peace to my soul.
I still believe in soul mates. For the second time in my life, I am being reminded that there is perhaps no greater tragedy in life than finding your soul mate and then being forced to let him go.