Strength I can’t fathom

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Why can some of us handle the ups and downs of life and others cannot? Why do some people choose to end their lives versus finding a way to move on?

I wish I could say that I don’t understand suicide…that I can’t imagine what would lead someone to think they have no other options. I wish I could tell you that it has never crossed my mind. That I haven’t in my darkest moments planned to get it done. I wish I didn’t know that level of personal pain.

But as much as I think I understand, apparently I don’t, at least I don’t know pain to that extent. While I can understand getting to that point, I would never take that final step. I’m not that strong.

Yes, that’s right. I said I’m not that strong. People say that suicide is a coward’s way out. I don’t believe that at all. I don’t believe it because the people I know who have made that choice were some of the happiest most carefree people I’ve ever had the privelege of knowing.

These were the ones making everyone laugh, traveling through this crazy life with smiles on their faces. They were the ones who brought everyone around them up, so much so that know one ever would’ve guessed they were down.

Can you imagine the strength it takes to maintain life at that level when inside you are dying? I know I can’t.

And maybe that’s why this hits me so hard. I cannot wrap my brain around it. How possessing that kind of strength brings you to the point that your best option is exiting life.

Someone said to me, “It’s not that I want to die, but I’m just tired of living.” I can definitely second that sentiment. It’s hard to stay positive in life when the thing you look forward to most each morning is going to bed again that night.

I have tried to find the bright side, any reason to look forward to my existence, but it’s just gone. I’m tired of sleepwalking through life

…but I will continue on. Because as strong as I am, I never have been strong enough to make that final choice to walk away from the hurt and the pain.

I wish like hell that others weren’t stronger than me. That those people who smile when they feel like crying all.the.time would find the courage to stop being so strong and let the hurt out. Maybe then they’d still be here. Maybe then we wouldn’t have to say these kind of goodbyes…
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Where are you happiest?

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Where are you happiest? When are you happiest? These are the questions my dear friend asked. I answered by saying I couldn’t talk about it, I had to get ready for work.

The truth is those questions knocked the wind out of me because I realized that I can’t answer. I don’t know where or when I’m happiest.

My days go pretty much like this:
Wake up and check social media
Get in the shower and cry
Get out of the shower and get ready for work (this may or may not involve more crying and the reapplication of eye makeup)
Go to work
Go to another job or go home
Cry myself to sleep

I wish the crying was an exaggeration, but it isn’t. I don’t plan it like I plan my outfits everyday. It kind of just happens.

I don’t dislike my job. I actually really enjoy the people I work with and I have fun during the day. I enjoy football games. I enjoy the gym. I enjoy the various other things I do to occupy my time. I’m not an unhappy person. I’m not depressed.

But I’m not sure that I’m happy either. And I never really thought about it until I was pointedly asked.

A few months ago, I actually was happy, so I know what it feels like. It feels like having a reason to get out of bed and having something to look forward to everyday.

Right now I’m just going through the motions without get really excited about anything. It’s ok, but it doesn’t make life worth living.

Where am I happiest? When am I happiest? Maybe it’s time to stop going through the motions and actually find the answers!
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