Where are you happiest? When are you happiest? These are the questions my dear friend asked. I answered by saying I couldn’t talk about it, I had to get ready for work.
The truth is those questions knocked the wind out of me because I realized that I can’t answer. I don’t know where or when I’m happiest.
My days go pretty much like this:
Wake up and check social media
Get in the shower and cry
Get out of the shower and get ready for work (this may or may not involve more crying and the reapplication of eye makeup)
Go to work
Go to another job or go home
Cry myself to sleep
I wish the crying was an exaggeration, but it isn’t. I don’t plan it like I plan my outfits everyday. It kind of just happens.
I don’t dislike my job. I actually really enjoy the people I work with and I have fun during the day. I enjoy football games. I enjoy the gym. I enjoy the various other things I do to occupy my time. I’m not an unhappy person. I’m not depressed.
But I’m not sure that I’m happy either. And I never really thought about it until I was pointedly asked.
A few months ago, I actually was happy, so I know what it feels like. It feels like having a reason to get out of bed and having something to look forward to everyday.
Right now I’m just going through the motions without get really excited about anything. It’s ok, but it doesn’t make life worth living.