The heart wants what the heart wants, yet somehow we’re supposed to force relationships with the “right” people and stay away from the “wrong” ones.
Whatever that means!
It’s taken me most of my adult life to stop apologizing for something that I do not control. I have no control over the connection I feel to some people and not to others, yet for some odd reason I’m supposed to feel guilty or feel like a bad person when I can’t just force my heart to love.
I have a hard time with relationships. My problem is that I have this great big loving heart and I find it more painful to hurt others than to experience rejection myself. Many people would disagree, saying that I have no heart. Those are the people with whom I do not click…
I am a firm believer in “the click”. I don’t believe in love at first site. However I do believe in “clicking at first site”. You know those people that you meet and instantly there is a connection, a kindred spirit so to speak.
Those people that make you feel like the air is being sucked out of the room, heart catching in your throat, knees getting a little shaky, that “oh my gosh I hope he can’t sense my nerves” feeling that signifies you could be more than just friends. The ones you want to get to know better. The ones that might finally fill the void.
I trust my gut implicitly because it has yet to fail me. Anyone with whom I’ve had initial reservations has always proven in the end that I should’ve just stayed away. I think I’m strong because I trust my instincts. When a relationship ends, I can always look back and see where I ignored the tail tingling telling me it was best to walk away. And yes, I absolutely ignore it at times, but my tingly tail has never been wrong.
I have a different take on fate. I believe in fate, in the sense that it puts people into our paths. However, I don’t believe that fate has anything to do with choosing to allow people into our lives. We’re only fated to choose those whom we would allow in our hearts anyway. In a hundred lifetimes, there are those that I would find and I would choose anyway. Kindred spirits, soul mates will always find each other.
Moreover I believe with an enormous amount of conviction that we are only at peace in our souls when we are connected with the right person.
…and we don’t choose who it is that brings that peace. Our hearts choose.
Until our hearts find that person we will be lonely, not necessarily alone, just lonely. I may be alone in this, but I’d rather be lonely waiting for the right heart, than feeling worse about my loneliness because I know I’m with the wrong one.
I’m not alone in my life. I could absolutely be in a relationship right now. I get offers frequently from absolutely wonderful men. I hesitate even to become friends because it often gets to that uncomfortable place where I need to say that the heart wants what the heart wants and I can’t explain why my heart doesn’t chose him. I don’t want to cause anyone to hurt even if it’s just for a moment, but trust me…
If my hands aren’t shaking, my breathing isn’t more shallow and my laugh isn’t sounding a little more nervous, there’s no click for me…
And, honestly, I don’t know why.