You can’t be him and that’s okay

You can’t be him.

He was the sun, the moon and the stars in one breath. He was everything I needed and never knew I wanted exactly when I needed him most.

You can’t be him.

…but you shouldn’t want to be him. You can’t be him and that’s a good thing. I don’t know that you can understand why, but let me try to explain.

I’m a strong personality. I’m direct. I’m grounded. I’m unapologetically honest. I think too much and work too hard. I’ve kept myself together through a lot of bullshit and I’ve done it mostly with a shrug of my shoulders and an “oh well, life goes on”. I take care of myself emotionally. I never look to anyone to help me or solve my problems. I work it out in my head. I spend so much time in my head that I tend to forget I have a heart.

I’m drawn to strong men because I see myself in them. The problem is that strong men like to take care of women and nobody takes care of me, at least that’s what my head says. I listen to my head because I don’t trust my heart. I don’t trust my emotions, so I’m drawn to men that are no good for me. It doesn’t mean that they are bad men, just not good for me.

Then he came along. He walked into my life when I was in turmoil emotionally. He walked in calmly, not trying to help, not trying to fix anything…he just walked in, sat down and stole my heart. I can’t explain it. I’ve tried to look at it logically, but logic doesn’t work when you finally allow your heart to lead.

When I was with him the peace that I felt was like nothing I’ve ever known. We could sit in silence for hours, wrapped up in each other, fading in and out of sleep. We never needed words. There were lots of talks, of course. But we never needed words to know how much love surrounded the two of us.

And the passion, the passion was so intense. When he walked into the room, the oxygen was sucked out of it. I can’t describe that feeling….it was peace and fire all rolled into one intense moment. I wanted to touch him, kiss him, make love to him, but I was just as content sitting beside him in silence. In the moments when we were most intimate, there was always a need to try to get closer, like our souls were clawing and pulling and struggling to become one. The peace was riddled with passion and it was a connection like I’ve never felt in my life.

But we were never going to be more than what we were at that moment. There was no future. It would end. For reasons that are obvious, but also because of the connection between our souls. That kind of a connection wasn’t going to last.

A true soul mate touches you in ways that no on else can. But that kind of relationship can’t last forever. He was my soul mate. He entered my life when I needed him to in order to show me that I can let my heart be my guide. But in lasting love, your heart can’t lead alone. There has to be balance. With him there was no balance, it was a connection of the heart. Yet he was what I needed in order to find balance. In order to see that opening my heart is good, but I need to think with my head too.

So no, you can’t be him. But honestly, I don’t know why you’d want to be.

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