Fear & Narcissism

I wrote the paragraphs below immediately after ending a phone conversation with a narcissist that I was dating. Though I could’ve expressed aspects of my emotions better, it’s raw and uncensored, capturing where I was in that moment.

The victim mentality:
He says
“I have done this for you”
“I have done that for you”
“I’ve never been anything but loving and caring and respectful towards you”

“…but you can’t appreciate that you have a good man on front of you who would do anything for you.”

What is there to do except apologize and take the blame? Because if you don’t take the blame, then he’ll go tell everyone he’s the perfect man and you threw it away because you wouldn’t let him love you.

It’s a pattern. He was never anything but the perfect man in every relationship & these women couldn’t appreciate that they had a good man in front of them. He honestly believes he hasn’t done anything wrong. He’ll say he takes the blame for his wrong doing, but over and over it’s “she’s a whore, she’s a cunt. I was a good man” It’s a no win for the woman.

If you call him on saying those things, he’ll deny and then turn it around and say “No, You misunderstood. I never said that, you just didn’t listen”. He’ll always be the victim.

But don’t you dare, I mean don’t ever be so ridiculous as to insinuate that he is trying to play the victim card. Jesus, then he’ll pull a fucking nutty and go silent. And then you apologize again and he gets his power back.

He’ll constantly blame you for attacking him while telling you he’s being calm and rational. His tone of voice becomes very pointed and direct, but he’s not being confrontational, he’s simply emphatic and you’re misinterpreting him.

It’s ALWAYS your fault in his mind ALWAYS. And he gains more power every time you give in and apologize.

There is no winning. There’s only walking away…

The last line…there’s only walking away. It’s hard because a narcissist plants seeds of doubt in your mind of your own worth. You question maybe I was wrong, maybe I didn’t hear him correctly, maybe it is me.

It isn’t you!

I foolishly let this one back in briefly after doubting myself. But quickly walked away again, this time with no looking back.

I’ve spent the better part of 6 years post divorcing a narcissist afraid to get involved again. Always fearing that I would again lose myself to another like him.

I’m a strong person. I always have been. I know that people don’t understand how it is that I think I lost myself.  I’ve tried to explain it by saying that everything he was initially attracted to in me are the very things he spent 10 years destroying in me.

I’ve learned that this is classic narcissism. They do not prey on the weak. They want the challenge of owning control over someone who would never give it over willingly.

Slowly, over time, in subtle ways, he took from me the best of me. Only I couldn’t see it. I only delved deeper into a depressed state that I did a pretty good job of hiding from the outside world.

When I finally took myself back, I was terrified. I wasn’t terrified of “making it”. I knew that I could stand on my own two feet and create a new life. I was terrified that I’d find another like him and I’d lose myself again.

That fear closed me in, built walls around my heart and caused me to push people away.

Thankfully after 5 years of being alone, I meet someone who showed me what true love can really be. What being loved for who you are should be and the kind of joy a good, honest man can bring to your heart. I lost him, but not before I learned from him.

Then this one, the one mentioned in my writing above walked into my life. Charming, complimentary, funny, attractive, full of life and love…

Until I looked deeper. It started subtly at first, the signs that he might not be whom he presented himself to be. I took me awhile to pick up on it. When it hit me, nausea overwhelmed me and I started crying uncontrollably. How could I have been fooled again?

At first I didn’t want to believe it, so I would purposely steer conversations in ways that would confirm our deny my assessment. They always confirmed.

The clincher was hanging up the phone the night written about above. I knew I needed to get out, but instead I let him talk his way back in.

All of those things I feared for 6 years were happening and I wasn’t stopping it.  I was letting it roll over me…again.

This time though, I finally cut it off with a fierce finality. The beauty of modern conveniences is the block button. Blocked everywhere. Far enough away that popping by for a visit isn’t going to happen. Ghosting at its finest and I have to say, it feels pretty damn good.

Part of the reason it feels so amazing is that I finally know. I finally know that while I may continue to be attracted to narcissists, I can also now see them for what they are and I can walk away.

Thanks to him, I no longer have to live in fear of losing myself again and that might be the greatest gift a narcissist ever gave!